You don’t need to be outgoing or clever to talk with people. You only need to be curious and kind. Here’s how youth and adults can start a conversation, keep it going and help someone feel seen, one simple question at a time.
Followers of Jesus Christ have good news to share, and it shows in how we talk with each other. Our conversations can be about doing good and lifting people up, especially when someone is struggling.
Light
“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”
Because joy grows when it’s shared. Asking “What’s been good this week?” invites it in.
Why uplifting words matter
Many people carry burdens we can’t see: a worry at home, a loss, a lonely week, a quiet doubt. You may never know what someone is carrying, but a kind word can lift them more than you’ll ever know. That’s why the scriptures invite us to choose words that build.
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles · April 2007 general conference
“Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity.”
Elder Holland talks about how we speak in our families, our wards and to ourselves, and he points to Nephi’s promise that through the Holy Ghost we “could speak with the tongue of angels” (2 Nephi 32:2). It’s a wonderful talk to read or watch as a family before you try the ideas on this page.
Smile, say their name if you know it (and your own if they don’t), then ask one easy question. Here are openers for places you’ll be this week.
A new kid at church or school
Youth
“Hi, I’m Ellie. Are you new? Where did you move from?”
“Want to sit with us?”
“What do you like to do when you’re not at school?”
Adult
“Welcome! What brought your family to the area?”
“What’s been the hardest part of moving, and what’s been the best?”
A ward member you don’t know yet
Youth
“I see you every week but I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Sam.”
“Which part of the ward do you live in?”
Adult
“I’m embarrassed I don’t know your name yet. I’m Dave. How long have you been in the ward?”
“What’s keeping your family busy these days?”
A neighbor
Youth
“Your garden looks amazing. How do you get the tomatoes so big?”
“Is that your dog? What’s its name?”
Adult
“How long have you lived on this street? What do you love about it?”
“What are you up to this weekend?”
A friend having a hard week
Youth
“You seem a little quiet today. Are you okay?”
“Want to grab a snack and talk, or would you rather just hang out?”
Adult
“I’ve been thinking about you. How are you really doing?”
“What’s been the heaviest part of this week?”
Family dinner
Youth
“Mom, what was your favorite thing about being my age?”
“What was the best part of everybody’s day?”
Adult
“What’s something that made you laugh today?”
“Who did something kind for you this week?”
A ministering visit
Youth (with a companion)
“What’s your favorite thing about this house?”
“How did you two meet?”
Adult
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“Is there anything coming up this month that we could help with?”
Step two
How to keep it going
The secret is the follow-up question. Listen to their answer, then ask about the most interesting part of it.
Follow-up questions
“What was that like?”
“How did you get into that?”
“What happened next?”
“What’s the best part?”
“Tell me more about that.”
Listening
Put the phone away and look at them.
Let them finish before you answer.
Repeat back a word they used: “Nervous? About the tryout?”
It’s okay if there’s a pause. Pauses give people time to think.
Going deeper, gently
Notice: “How was the tryout?”
Feel: “How did you feel walking in?”
Experience: “Has anything else ever made you that nervous? What got you through it?”
If they keep their answers short, stay at Layer 1. That’s fine. You’ve still shown you care.
When talk turns to gossip or complaining
It happens to all of us. You don’t have to lecture anyone. Just gently turn the conversation toward something good:
“That sounds frustrating. What would help?”
“I don’t really know her side. What’s been good in your week?”
“Honestly, he’s been kind to me. Maybe he’s having a hard time.”
“Okay, new topic: best thing that happened today. Go!”
Because words about people who aren’t there are hard to take back, and steering toward the good keeps everyone, including the person being talked about, safe with you.
What makes a conversation meaningful
Five things great listeners do
Be yourself
You don’t have to perform, be funny or have the perfect thing to say. Be honest about what you think and feel, and ask the questions you’re really curious about.
Because people can tell when we’re genuine, and that’s what makes them trust us.
Make it about them, not you
Resist the urge to top their story or turn every topic back to yourself. When you share, keep it short, then hand the conversation back with a question.
Because people feel valued when you’re curious about them, and bragging, even by accident, makes them feel smaller.
Listen to understand
Empathy means trying to feel what they feel. Don’t rush to fix it or give advice. Ask, “Do you want ideas, or do you just need someone to listen?”
Because most of the time people need to feel understood before they can hear any help.
Encourage and support
Name something good you really see: “You were so patient with your little brother today.” “You’ve worked hard for this.” Then offer something specific: a ride, a text tomorrow, a walk.
“Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself.”
Because a specific, sincere compliment is something people remember on hard days.
Steer toward the good
Choose to talk about what’s good, what’s hopeful and what you can do. When a conversation turns to gossip or complaining, gently change its direction (see the ideas above).
“With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.”
Because people leave a hopeful conversation lighter than they came.
Where it matters most
Building, not tearing down
The same moment can be said in a way that tears someone down or in a way that builds them up. Paul’s counsel works in every setting: speak “that which is good to the use of edifying” (Ephesians 4:29). Pick a setting to see what that sounds like.
Relationships marriage and friendships
The situation: the person you care about has been on their phone all evening.
Tears down
“You never listen. You care more about that phone than about me.”
Builds up
“I miss talking with you. Could we put our phones away for a bit and catch up? I want to hear about your day.”
Questions that build up
Layer 1“What was the best part of your day?”
Layer 2“What’s been weighing on you lately?”
Layer 2“How can I make this week a little easier for you?”
Layer 3“What’s a memory of us that always makes you smile?”
A short exchange
Ana
You seemed tired at dinner. Long day?
Ben
Yeah. The meeting went badly.
Ana
I’m sorry. Do you want to tell me about it, or just sit together for a while?Layer 2 · Empathy
Ben
Maybe both. Thanks for noticing.
“Think of the kind things you said when you were courting…”
Elder Ronald A. Rasband, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles · October 2017 general conference
“Heavenly Father can put us in situations with specific intent in mind.”
“We may meet someone who seems familiar, renew an acquaintance, or find common ground with a stranger.”
Elder Rasband shares stories of people who seemed to meet by chance, and how, looking back, he sees the Lord’s hand in his own life, including in finding his wife, Melanie.
Because the people who show up in your life may be there for a reason, so they’re worth noticing, and worth getting to know.
The situation: a first date or group date, and the conversation goes quiet.
Tears down (or just performs)
“So anyway, I made varsity, I’m kind of the funny one in my group, and honestly most people say I’m pretty great at…” (Or, about someone else at the table: “Why is he even here?”)
Builds up
“Okay, I’m curious. What’s something you could talk about for an hour without getting bored?” Then listen, and ask one more question about their answer.
Be yourself, not a performance. You don’t need to impress anyone. Share what you really like, and let them see the real you, including what you’re still figuring out.
Listen more than you talk. Ask, listen, then ask a follow-up about what they said. Remembering a small detail later says “you matter” better than any line.
Kindness and respect, always. Be kind to your date, the others in the group, the server and the people who aren’t there. Respect their answers, their standards and their time.
Youth · group activities and dances
Openers
“Hi, I’m Ellie. How do you know everyone here?”
“Okay, mini golf strategy: are you careful or chaotic?”
“What’s the best thing that happened at school this week?”
Getting to know you
Layer 1“What do you do when you have a free Saturday?”
Layer 1“I noticed your shirt. Do you play, or just watch?”
Layer 2“What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?”
Layer 2“Who’s someone you really look up to? Why them?”
Layer 3“What’s a youth activity or trip you’ll always remember?” (If faith comes up naturally, it’s okay to share what it means to you. No pressure either way.)
“The best way to get to know others is through genuine friendship. While you are young, build good friendships with many people.”
“For your emotional and spiritual development and safety, one-on-one activities should be postponed until you are mature—age 16 is a good guideline. Counsel with your parents and leaders.”
“A first date does not need to be a litmus test that makes or breaks all future encounters. Even if you haven’t found your spouse, you have at least found a new friend.”
Youth“Yes! I’d love to go with you. Thanks for asking.”
YSA“I had a really good time. I’d like to go out again.”
No, thank you
Youth“Thank you so much for asking me. I’m going to say no, but it really means a lot that you asked.”
YSA“Thank you for dinner. I enjoyed talking with you, but I don’t think we’re a match, and I didn’t want to leave you guessing.”
Let’s be friends
Youth“I really like being your friend. Want to come with our group instead?”
YSA“I’d really like to stay friends. I hope I’ll see you at institute.”
Answer soon, in person or with a real message (not by ignoring them). Thank them for asking. Keep it short and honest, and don’t share someone’s invitation or answer with others. It took courage to ask.
When the talk goes quiet
Layer 1“What was the best part of tonight for you?”
Layer 1“Sweet or salty? Settle this for us.”
Layer 2“What’s been on your mind this week?”
Layer 3“What’s a memory that always makes you laugh?”
A short exchange (group date)
Jade
You were really kind to the little kids at the service project today.Noticing · Layer 1
Eli
Ha, thanks. I have four younger siblings, so I’m used to it.
Jade
Four! What’s that like? Do you like being the oldest?Follow-up · Layer 2
Eli
Mostly. It’s loud. What about you?
Jade
Just me and my brother. I’d love to hear more about your family.Listening more than talking
Because the goal isn’t to impress someone. It’s to get to know a real person and let them get to know you, and to leave them feeling respected whatever the answer. Gospel Topics speaks of “striving to be the type of person they would want to spend time with.” Questions about dating standards or courtship belong with your parents, your bishop or other local leaders.
Families parents, children and siblings
The situation: one child brings home a grade that’s better than before, but not as high as a sibling’s.
Tears down
“A B? Your sister got an A in that class.”
Builds up
“You brought that up a whole grade. You worked hard for this. What part are you proudest of?”
Questions that build up
Layer 1“What made you laugh today?”
Layer 2“What’s something you’re worried about right now?”
Layer 2“When did you feel most like yourself this week?”
Layer 3“What’s a family memory you hope we never forget?”
A short exchange
Dad
You were really patient with your brother today. How did you do that?Specific praise · Layer 1
Mia
I just counted to ten in my head.
Dad
That’s a real skill. I could use it too. How did it feel when it worked?Layer 2 · Feeling
Mia
Kind of good, actually.
“Praise each child individually for what that child is…”
Because what we say at home shapes how children see themselves, and comparisons are remembered long after the moment is forgotten. That goes for brothers and sisters talking to each other, too.
School elementary, middle and high school, and college
The situation: someone is sitting alone at lunch, and your friends notice.
Tears down
(to your friends, laughing) “Don’t look now, but the new kid is eating alone again.”
Builds up
(to the new kid) “Hi, I’m Ella. Is anyone sitting here? You can come sit with us if you want.” Then ask one easy question, and introduce them to one more friend.
“Reach out to those who feel lonely, isolated, or helpless. Help them feel Heavenly Father’s love through you.”
Answer what they asked, say how it feels to you, then ask about them. If it turns into an argument, you can kindly step out of it: “I don’t want to argue. I like being your friend.” The scriptures teach that he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me (3 Nephi 11:29). Bigger gospel questions are great to take to your parents, your bishop or the missionaries.
With teammates and teachers
Layer 1“Which part of the project do you want to take?”
Layer 1“Thanks for staying after practice. That helped.”
Layer 2“How are you feeling about the deadline?”
Layer 3“Coach, what made you love this sport?”
A short exchange (group project)
Maya
Hey Leo, we’re a little behind on the slides. How’s your week going?Layer 2 · Feeling
Leo
Kind of a mess. My grandma’s been in the hospital.
Maya
I’m so sorry. That’s a lot. Want me to take your two slides this time?Empathy · Specific help
Leo
That would really help. I’ll do the poster next time.
“Say things that uplift—nothing that might be divisive, hurtful, or offensive, even as a joke.”
Because school is where most people spend most of their days, and it’s where a lot of people feel the most alone. One person who says hello, sits down, or calmly says “that’s not cool” can change what a whole hallway feels like.
Church wards, classes and quorums
The situation: a family slips into sacrament meeting late, again.
Tears down
(whispered) “Late again. Some people just don’t try.”
Builds up
(afterward) “I’m so glad you made it! Next week, come sit with us. We’ll save you room.”
Questions that build up
Layer 1“How long have you been in the ward?”
Layer 2“What’s helped you feel at home here?”
Layer 2“How are you doing this week, really?”
Layer 3“Who made a difference for you at church when you were younger?”
A short exchange
Grace
I loved what you said in class about prayer.Sincere encouragement
Owen
Thanks. I almost didn’t say it.
Grace
I’m glad you did. Has that been on your mind a lot?Layer 2 · Feeling
Owen
Yeah. It’s been a hard year.
Grace
I’d like to hear more, if you want to share. Walk out with me?
“May we all rejoice in the thought that when we say edifying, encouraging things unto the least of these, our brethren and sisters and little ones, we say it unto God.”
Because we can’t see what someone carried in the door with them. A warm word in the hallway may be the reason they come back. (Questions about doctrine or callings belong with your bishop or other local leaders.)
Work jobs, teams and group projects
The situation: a project is behind because one teammate hasn’t finished their part.
Tears down
(to everyone else) “We’re behind because Jordan dropped the ball. Again.”
Builds up
(to Jordan) “We’re a little behind. What do you need to finish your part? I can take the slides if that helps.”
Questions that build up
Layer 1“What are you working on right now?”
Layer 2“What part of this job do you enjoy most?”
Layer 2“How are you holding up with this deadline?”
Layer 3“How did you get into this kind of work?”
A short exchange
Priya
That deadline is brutal. How are you holding up?Layer 2 · Feeling
Marcus
Honestly? I was up until midnight.
Priya
That’s rough. What’s left? Maybe I can take something.Specific support
Marcus
The formatting. Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.
“…that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
Because work talk slides into complaining easily, and one person who notices good work and offers help can change how a whole team talks.
When someone is hurting
Mourn with those that mourn
“And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—”
When someone loses a loved one, gets hard news or is just worn out, many of us stay away because we’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. You don’t need the perfect words. Showing up matters more than anything you say.
What helps
Sit with them. Quiet company is a real comfort.
Say their loved one’s name and share a good memory.
Let them cry, talk or be silent. Follow their lead.
Offer something specific: “Can I bring dinner Thursday?”
Simple things to say
“I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
“I’ve been thinking about you.”
“Would you like to tell me about her?”
Things to avoid
“I know exactly how you feel.”
“At least…” (any sentence that starts this way)
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Changing the subject to your own loss.
They’re usually said with love, but they can make someone feel rushed.
Follow up later
Send a text a week later, and a month later. That’s often when people feel most alone.
Remember hard dates, like a birthday or anniversary.
Keep inviting them, even if they say no for a while.
Because comfort isn’t about fixing the pain. It’s about making sure no one carries it alone. If someone needs more help than a friend can give, gently encourage them to talk with a parent, their bishop or branch president, or the Relief Society or elders quorum presidency.
See it in action
Sample conversations
Real conversations are messier than these, and that’s okay. The gold notes show which layer or principle is at work.
Youth to a new youth
Sunday, before class. Ellie notices a girl she’s never seen, sitting alone in the back row.
Ellie
Hi! I’m Ellie. I don’t think we’ve met. Are you new?Layer 1 · Noticing
Maya
Yeah. We moved from Texas two weeks ago.
Ellie
Texas! That’s a big move. What’s been the strangest thing about living here so far?
Maya
Honestly? Snow in October. And not knowing anybody.
Ellie
That sounds lonely. How are you feeling about it?Layer 2 · Feeling
Maya
Kind of nervous. I miss my friends.
Ellie
That makes sense. I’d miss mine too. Do you want to sit with us? I’ll introduce you.Empathy · Encouragement
Maya
Okay. Thanks. Really.
Adult to a struggling ward member
After sacrament meeting. Dave heard that Brother Ortiz lost his job last month.
Dave
Luis, good to see you. How are you holding up?Layer 1 · Noticing
Luis
Oh, you know. Hanging in there.
Dave
I heard about the job. I’m sorry. What’s the hardest part right now?Layer 2 · Feeling
Luis
Honestly, it’s feeling useless. I’ve always been the one who takes care of everybody.
Dave
That’s heavy. I’m not going to pretend I have answers. I just want you to know I’ve always admired how you show up for people.Don’t rush to fix · Encouragement
Luis
…Thanks. That actually helps.
Dave
Can I take you to lunch Tuesday? No agenda. And I’ll ask around about openings, if you’d like.Specific support
Parent and teen at dinner
A weeknight. Jordan, 15, has been quiet since school.
Mom
What was one good thing and one hard thing from today?Layer 1 · Noticing
Jordan
Good thing: pizza at lunch. Hard thing… I don’t know. Nothing.
Mom
Pizza day is a good day. (pause) “I don’t know” is allowed. I’m here if it turns into something.No pressure · Listening
Jordan
…I didn’t make the team.
Mom
Oh, Jordan. I’m sorry. How are you feeling about it?Layer 2 · Feeling
Jordan
Embarrassed. Everybody knows.
Dad
I didn’t make the team the first time either. I remember wanting to disappear. Would it help to hear what I did, or do you just want to vent?Layer 3 · Experience, in a similar tone
Jordan
…What did you do?
Comforting a friend who lost a grandparent
A text, then a visit. Sam’s grandma passed away on Saturday.
Jake
Hey, I just heard about your grandma. I’m really sorry. I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.You don’t need perfect words
Sam
thanks. it’s weird. i keep thinking she’s gonna call.
Jake
That makes sense. Do you want to tell me about her? What was she like?Layer 3 · Invite a memory
Sam
she made the best cinnamon rolls. she’d save the middle one for me.
Jake
The middle one is the best one. She must have really loved you. Can I come over? We don’t have to talk.Mourn with those that mourn
Sam
yeah. that would be good.
A week later
Jake: Thinking about you today. Want to shoot hoops after school?Follow up later
A ministering visit
Sister Chen visits Sister Larsen, who lives alone and doesn’t get out much.
Sister Chen
These roses on your table are beautiful. Did they come from your yard?Layer 1 · Noticing
Sister Larsen
They did. Harold planted that bush the year we moved in.
Sister Chen
How do you feel when they bloom each year?Layer 2 · Feeling
Sister Larsen
Happy, and a little sad. It’s been three years since he passed.
Sister Chen
Would you tell me about him? I wish I’d known him.Layer 3 · Experience
Sister Larsen
(smiling) Oh, he was a tease. Let me get the album…
Sister Chen
Thank you for sharing him with me. Could I come back next week and see more?Thank them · Follow up
Try it
Conversation starter
Pick who you are, a setting (relationships, family, church or work) and who you’re talking with. You’ll get an easy opener plus deeper follow-ups, if the conversation wants to go there.
Practice before it’s real
Texting practice
Pick a situation. Read the message, choose a reply and see how the other person might respond, with a short note on why. These are practice friends, made up for this page; nothing here is a real person.
We don’t keep anything you type. It stays on your screen and is gone when you leave.
Choose a situation
Help me reply
Got a message and not sure what to say? Paste or type it here to see a few kind ways to answer. It all happens on your screen; nothing is sent anywhere.
We don’t keep anything you type. It stays on your screen and is gone when you leave.
